Issues...I Always Seem to Have Issues...

So much for not being behind...

I was only temporarily making progress, and have since not achieved much of anything. I couldn't seem to motivate myself to write or even begin to write a short story to post in the "booth" for writing class. I obviously haven't been posting here, nor have I written in my personal hand-written journal more recently than I've posted here.

I was beginning to doubt my desire to write at all, but I believe this lapse in interest was a result of my health and/or medicines I am taking for MS. I lost interest in most everything, not just my writing. I talked with my neurologist's P.A. who said the extra fatigue I've had since starting the Cell Cept is greater than usual but should tone down as my body grows accustomed to the medicine.

This seems to be happening, as I've been able to keep more normal waking hours the last week or two and sleep only at night. I also discussed my change in moods and levels of interest in activities I normally enjoy and he decided that I should go back to the full dose of Effexor, a choice I am less than thrilled with but also ok with as long as it keeps me feeling human and not despondent.

Until I go pick up the new script for Effexor I've been taking the full dose of what I have, which is less than the new script will be for but more than I had been taking as I was trying to phase it out so that I wasn't dependent on mood-altering drugs (as my aunt calls them). I already feel better, happier, and more interested in life in general.

As much as this disease has physically handicapped me I believe the mental strain is tougher than the physical. I'm not fond of being so forgetful of recent events, nor do I like the depression associated with MS or it's treatments. As much as I don't like needing drugs to keep me happy I'll live with them if they give me some of the energy/desire to live as normal of a life as I can. The forgetfulness I suppose everyone gets for one reason or another, sooner or later.

Meanwhile, to see what I can do about my writing. I think perhaps I have blocked the writer in me by being unwilling to produce anything less than brilliant. I'm somewhat comforted by that, as it seems very typical of a writer...

Progress

Progress!

I'm not quite as far behind as I was. I got this week's writing assignment in, caught up on all my critiques, read the story our instructor linked and added to the discussion on it, and went to the hospital for my weekly bloodwork necessary with starting the new med my neurologist prescribed me.

The bloodwork checked out fine and driving was much more agreeable during daylight hours. The short story he asked us to read was very interesting. Not that I can remember what it was about at all now, but I do remember I liked it. I'm not thrilled with my writing assignment but I don't think it's bad either. This week's lecture was on description and we were tasked with recounting a memorable meal and using at least three senses to describe it. I had no particularly memorable meal in mind so I made one up. I even made up a husband and sweet proposal in Venice, Italy to go along with it. Hey it's a fiction class, right? I don't feel guilty about that at all.

Now that I've managed to catch up on a few things I don't see how other people with MS handle kids and work. I rarely leave the house, don't work anymore, and have no children, but even the little things like an online class, a blog, and making something to eat or showering seem exhausting. I can't imagine leaving the house everyday to work or taking care of children, or anyone but me. Me is too much sometimes, let alone worrying about anyone else.

Oh, one last thing. Weeble tagged me for something interesting. I plan to do a post on 21 not so widely known things about myself and pick some other people to tag. Soon. Ish.

There Once Was a Girl Who Wanted to Write

What the heck happened to that girl anyway? Heh. My writing has all but ceased to exist lately. The holiday wore me out, more so because there was a "yelling at the dog" incident that caused me to only get about 2 hours of sleep for Thanksgiving day. Then I was catching up from that fatigue, got caught up in my online game, and got stuck on an assignment for my writing class.

I always seem to get too overwhelmed to do anything at all when I get really far behind in things. When I want to be all caught up I want to sit down and catch up everything. When there is too much of everything to do I have a terrible habit of just doing nothing. I'm trying to fix this in more of a step by step, one bit at a time manner. I finished the last couple of critiques for last week, late obviously but done at least. I decided to call last week's assignment a bust and just left a note for the instructor apologizing for not getting it done, with an explanation that I couldn't come up with anything interesting within the outlines of the assignment and I wanted to just move on to reading, critique, and writing other things (like this week's assignment) before I got any further behind.

I'm still far from caught up. I have less than two weeks to have a project ready for the booth, something I haven't even started, except in my head. I haven't written anything in my personal, hand-written journal in ages. I don't have any specific ideas for this week's homework. I still haven't read the short story we're discussing this week. Well they're discussing it. I'm obviously not since I haven't read it.

However, I feel like I've made a dent in this mountain of writerly things to do. As previously stated, I've finished last week's critiques. I've read this week's lecture. As soon as I hit "publish post" I will have ended the hiatus from this blog.

Tomorrow perhaps I'll read all the work posted so far in the "booth". I think three people already have theirs up. And hopefully the discussion story as well. And I hope I manage to jot down some thoughts in the manual journal as well for crying out loud. I don't know how I let things get so far behind when they're such small and simple things.

Driving Me Mad

For someone who spent so many years on the road you'd think a simple trip to the store would be no big deal.

Well you'd be wrong.

Some nut had to have an accident on the interstate, which, fortunately, was on the opposite side from me on my way to town. But the further I drove the more backed up traffic I saw on the eastbound side. MILES they were just sitting there waiting.

I sat and ate my drive through dinner hoping that would allow time for the road to be cleaned up, and then I continued the last few miles to the pharmacy on city streets. By then it was dark and all the bright lights were bothering my eyes so I was hoping to get out of town and be home soon.

No such luck. Even the back roads were a mess, clogged with traffic trying to avoid the interstate, which was still backed up, even worse now actually since some idiot got into another accident. I say some idiot because the 2nd accident was on the same side of the road as the first and miles behind it where traffic was barely moving. How do you get in an accident when the average speed is .1 mph?

I don't like driving any more, especially at night. It seems like headlights have gotten waaaaay brighter over the years and they make it hard for me to see. I have enough problems as is without glare from super bright lights factored in.

THEN I got lost on the unfamiliar back roads. Yay for living way out in the country, yet not far enough to get away from the traffic. I finally made it home over an hour and a half after I left the pharmacy, a drive that normally takes 20 minutes.

I made an early New Year's Resolution not to drive in the evening again if at all possible. I'll try to get anything I need done, done in the morning or early afternoon. It's enough of a challenge to keep my eyes focused and drive my standard transmission pick up with my clumsy hands and feet without throwing in darkness and bright lights and Friday night traffic and accidents and idiots and and and.

In the daytime it isn't really that bad! Just concentrate on shifting properly, concentrate on keeping the old eyes focused, steer between the lines, easy peasy. But trying to see through blinding headlights and dodge lunatic drivers? No thank you.

And Then There Were Eight

In loving memory of Ed.

Ed was a good guy. He liked to hang out with several of his best buddies. They traveled together, made money together, and spent all their time together almost from when they were born.

Then one day something came rocketing out of the sky and blew Ed up. We'll miss you Ed.

Tip: If your hands are clumsy and you're storing scissors overhead be sure to verify that they are firmly stored before releasing them. When dropped from a height of approximately 4 feet, if they fall with the sharp end down, they will pierce a can of Dr. Pepper, and it will spew all over the rest of the cans in the case, necessitating a lengthy clean up process and one can only imagine the trauma suffered by the surviving cans.